Somnum Exterreri
by diamondsrefract
Summary: "Malfoy, you will sleep with me or I swear to Merlin I will turn you into a ferret again!" Where one is sleep-deprived and the rest of the wizarding world is perverted.


Author's Note: First time to write a Harry Potter fanfiction. Please be honest and kind!

Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling.

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 **Hermione Granger puts the HOT in Psychotic**

 **By Rita Skeeter**

 **Hermione Granger, 24-year old bachelorette, brightest witch of her age, and best friend to war hero Harry Potter, has had enough of hiding strong feelings for Draco Malfoy, 24-year old bachelor, richest wizard of his age, and no friend to war hero Harry Potter!**

 **Granger, known for her boring looks and books, revealed the intensity and object of her desire in the least boring and most public way possible. Members of the press documenting Malfoy's statement on his recent acquisition of Flourish and Blott's were all surprised when Granger apparated on stage beside the 4-year title holder of Witch Weekly's Most Eligible Bachelor.**

" **It all happened so quickly!" Colin Creevey, photographer for The Quibbler and witness to the grand reveal, commented. "We didn't even realize it was her!" Witnesses concur that nobody recognized the woman in the scandalous black negligee to be the prudish Hermione Granger until she yelled, "Malfoy, you will sleep with me or I swear to Merlin I will turn you into a ferret** _ **again**_ **!" Granger then cast a full body bind curse on Malfoy and disapparated with his unmoving body.**

 **People who were with Malfoy and Granger during their Hogwarts years confirm that the latter has transfigured the former into a bird in one of their explosive skirmishes. "They hated each other," explained Parvati Patil, Hogwarts roommate of Granger. "In fact, 'hate' isn't strong enough to describe it. They loathed each other!" This statement was unanimously supported by friends of both parties. As for the reason for Granger's sudden shift in sentiment, people could only speculate: money, attention, late puberty, or insanity. But for us romantics, we could only hope this proves that the more you hate, the more you love!**

 **If you know the whereabouts of either Hermione Granger or Draco Malfoy, please owl the Department of Magical Law enforcement immediately.**

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.

The moment the body bind curse lifted, Draco Malfoy reached for his wand and realized three things at once: he was wandless, he was bound from shoulder to toe with an Unbreakable Rope, and she was wearing a shield charm to deflect any hex he might throw her way. Rage simmered on his skin but he forced his face to remain as expressionless as possible.

"What do you want from me, Granger?"

His kidnapper looked at him from across the hall.

"I want you to sleep with me. Do you want to be turned into a ferret again, Malfoy?"

"First of all, you do realize that even as a ferret I am twice more beautiful than you could ever hope to be?"

Hermione stared at him blankly.

"Also, I will not sleep with you."

"Why not?" She asked without the usual energy she reserved for antagonizing him.

"Because I won't donate my DNA to improve the phenotype of your F1 generation and because I can't."

Hermione raised a brow.

"I can't. Not when you just don't get my motor running like that."

 _DNA? F1 generation? Motor running?_

"What in seven hells are you talking about?"

Draco rolled his eyes. "Really? You decide to act coy after kidnapping me to get laid?"

It took a few minutes for Hermione to understand what he said. "Laid? You pervert!"

"Now I'm the pervert?" Draco asked indignantly.

"I never said anything about getting laid!"

"You told me to sleep with you!"

"Of course! And I meant _sleep_ as in close your eyes, rest, and wake up eight hours later!"

Draco deliberately stared at the negligee before meeting her eyes again. "That doesn't even make any sense."

Hermione tugged at her wild locks. "I'm sorry, Malfoy. I don't have the energy for witty sparring at the moment. I need sleep."

The blonde man scanned her face for any sign of deceit but found none. He did, however, notice the deep, dark circles under her eyes. "Alright. But why do I have to be here?"

"Short version: Ron broke up with Lavender. Bint thought he left her for me. Bint decided to punish me with Somnum Exterreri."

"So you have unbearable nightmares. It still doesn't explain why I have to be here." He struggled against the ropes in protest.

"I tried drinking Madam Pomfrey's draught for a dreamless sleep. It doesn't work. I'm still looking for the counter potion for Somnum Exterreri." Hermione looked at the window tiredly. "I've read, however, that I can have respite from nightmares by sleeping close to the person I hate the most. This is my only option until I find the counter potion. Now do you know why you're here?"

Draco rolled his eyes. "Everyone loves me."

"Sure. If the population of 'everyone' is limited to your mother."

"Correction. Everyone that matters loves me."

"Whatever. I have not been able to sleep for _months._ It's six o'clock in the evening. Please let me get some sleep. We will talk about this in the morning." Hermione crawled back to bed and laid down beside Malfoy. With the wave of her wand, Hermione extinguished all lights in the room. "Good night, Ferret-face."

"Good night, Mudblood."

"…"

"I hope you die in your sleep."

"…"

"What happens when I need to pee?"

"…"

"Hey, I'm serious. I think I need to pee."

.

.

"It's okay. I transfigured your underwear into diaper."

Draco experimentally wiggled and felt his padded bottom. Horrifed, the diapered man kicked at his kidnapper's foot.

"Granger, I swear to Merlin I hate you the most too."

"We'll talk about it in the morning."

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 **TBC. Please review! xoxo**


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